|
[Oil Change | "Ricer" | more "Ricer"| "Racer" | Too much
horsepower | women drivers! | What NOT to say to a cop | Honda Wigger Car
| Microsoft & cars | Dumb Mechanic | Drunk Driver | PA Drivers | World's Fastest
Moped | Stop
or slow down | Blonde dent repair | The Lawyer's Porsche | Photo Speed Traps | New Corvette | Speeding
Ticket | Carb Trouble | Back seat driver | Rectum Stretcher | Free Gas! | Going Parking | Blonde's Flat Tire | God vs. Harley Davidson
| the wife from hell | The Parts Call | Used Car ]
[ add your own joke ]
General One-Liners
- A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try
to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
- Some Old Chinese Proverbs:
- Man who run in front of car get tired.
- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
- Why is nitrous is like a beautful girl with an
STD? (by Allen Boyer)
- You know you want to hit it, but you are afraid
of the consequences...
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but
anyone going faster is a maniac?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Nobody tailgates me anymore since I put my "I Heart Firestone
Tires" sticker on the bumper.
- Confucious says:
- Man who drives like hell bound to get there.
- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
- If all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end, it
would probably be Memorial Day Weekend...
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
- Why cant Hellen Keller drive? (by Billy McKie)]
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Two old ladies buy a used car.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in
a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car Were they trying
to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it', said one of the ladies.
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just
waiting.
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A Blonde calls for parts.
A woman calls Advanced Auto parts one day. The owner of the store
picks the phone up. "Hello?" He says.
"Yes, I need to order a part.", the woman replies.
"What kind of part do you need? We'll see if we have it." The owner says
as he gets a pen and paper, preparing to write it down.
"I need a 24 ounce water pump for my husbands car."
At this point, the store owner was confused. "A 24 ounce water pump? What kind
of car?" He asks.
"I don't know." The woman replies.
The store owner pauses, trying to think of what a 24 ounce water pump was. He smiled,
finally realizing what she meant. "Oh, yes ma'am!" He said. "We have
a 24 ounce water pump for you right here! We also have 26, 28, and even 35 ounce
water pumps, too." He picks up his pen and writes "Blonde woman needs a
water pump for a Nissan 240Z."
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The wife from hell.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car....
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver,
John, says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar
gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting , John's wife Phyllis says, "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes
out the ticket, John looks over at Phyllis and growls, "Can't you please keep
your mouth shut for once?"
Phyllis smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector
went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit, John glowers at Phyllis and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." John says, "Yeah, well, you see
officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get
my license out of my back pocket."
Phyllis says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police
officer is writing out the third ticket John turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking"
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Going Parking
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees
a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches
the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading
a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on
the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what
is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a
Lover's lane...and nothing naughty is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm
22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.
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Free Gas
A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner
told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his
free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The
Number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for Another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same
story, and asked him to guess the Correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this
time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that Game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last
week."
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Back Seat Driver
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget
to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't
know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving."
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The Rectum Stretcher
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles
over the limit),a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun
on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
She replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up totwo fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch,
until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
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The Lawyer's Porsche
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT
in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a
truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled
up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask
any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which
he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be
the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust
and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he
said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got
ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "MY ROLEX!"
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Photo Speed Trap
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture,
this time of handcuffs. He i mmediately mailed in his $40.
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New Corvette
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal
even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he
floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on
earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense", pulled over to the side of
the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran
off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," said the Trooper.
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Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"
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Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,"What's
the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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Blonde Dent Repair
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really
bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair
shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He
told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents
would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into
her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail
pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to rollup the
windows first."
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Women Drivers!
Driving to the office this morning on the interstate,
I looked over to my leftt and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles
per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me so much that
I dropped my electric shaver, which, knocked the breakfast sandwich out of my other
hand! In all the confusion, trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into
the hot coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND
TWINS. Causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined
my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!
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What Not To Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my
beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
12. Is it true that people become troopers because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
13. I pay your salary!
14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's
how far ahead of me they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap
and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out
of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?
21. Officer: Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?
Driver: Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?
22. Your so-called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my
life one quarter-mile at a time.
23. You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.
24. Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy?
25. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes.
26. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?
27. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.
28. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?
29. Say Hi to your wife and my kids!
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joke ]
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1)Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since the last oil change.
2)Drink a cup of coffee.
3)15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts
store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,
write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 boxend wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter
on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist
off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from
holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental
penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow
so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead
of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain
plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground
and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter
on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used
to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang
knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002)in the left
boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00
But at least you know the job was done right !
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joke ]
|
"RICER"
Definition:
RICER: "Rye'sir"; noun
- Term applied to those in the import tuning scene,
often derisively, due to ongoing biases against FWD drivetrains and poorly modified
import vehicles.
Used extensively by individuals who are under the impression that Mustang GTs
ship with a factory supercharger (only the SVT Cobra does, and only since 2003) or
that twin-turbo Supras ship with a supercharger.
- any person who adds downforce to the rear end
of a front wheel drive car in order to achive quicker acceleration
- Anyone (usually under 25) who drives a fwd 4 cylinder
and thinks that stickers add horsepower.
- Person who has little to no respect for muscle
cars but can respect imports that can't even break the tires loose.
- A person, usually in their teens, who takes
imports, usually from Asia, and puts all kinds of "modifications"
on it. In actuallity, they are just making it look faster.
RICE: (An Anagram Definition)
Race Inspired Cosmetic
Enhancements
Persons excluded from being called a ricer are:
- People that buy import cars that have a rear wheel
drive train.
- People that do modifications to the body AND drivetrain.
- People who buy cars that are already supercharged
or turbocharged are excluded. Examples: Toyota Supras.
You Might be a
"RICER" if:
1. You have more exhaust decibels than your engine has horsepower.
2. You have aftermarket FRONT wheels for racing but stock rear wheels.
3. Your engine makes twice as much horsepower as torque.
4. You ever painted your wheels to match the same color of your car.
5. You put your automatic car in neutral at every stoplight in order to roll it back
and try to fool other people into thinking you have a manual transmission
6. DuPont gave up trying to figure out the shade you were asking for.
7. Your mod list includes stereo equipment, shifter handle, MOMO steering wheel,
PIA driving lights, exhaust tip, but no REAL engine parts.
8. A chameleon lizard undergoes fewer shade changes than your custom paint scheme.
9. Your rims and tires are so large, that you have to install the tire / wheel from
underneath the car because it simply won't fit in the wheel well going in from the
side.
10. The dealer laughs when you bring your car back in for service under warranty,
and you've only had it 6 months...
11. Your tires / rims stick out from the lip of your car by more than 1".
12. You installed spacers on your STOCK wheels and tires to get them to stick out
past the fender.
13. You see cars like yours in a Shriner's Parade for Children and clowns are driving
them.
14. You bring an empty Maxwell House coffee can with you to compare size when you
shop for an aftermarket exhaust system.
15. Your Eclipse GS-T hardtop has a "SPYDER" emblem on the rear...
16. Your sum knowledge of suspension is: "the more negative camber, the better
the handling."
17. You push your car through the staging lanes. That way, maybe you can break
into the 16s by keeping the motor cool between runs.
18. You add a super tall rear wing, and a hundred pounds of aftermarket ground effects,
neon and stereo yet you gut the interior and yank out the rear seat for weight savings.
19. Your rear wing AND your rear window have a third mount brake light...
20. The back lighting in the gauges in your A-pillar gauge pod work long before the
actual gauges are hooked up.
21. You cut 4 coil springs and scrape the chassis on the ground. Sparks are cool
when you corner at normal traffic speeds!
22. You have to find a way to drive AROUND speed bumps in a parking lot.
23. You install clear corner and brake lights.
24. You install colored bulbs in your aftermarket clear lenses.
25. You ever put neon on the bottom of your car, and then busted it on the first
speed bump you went over.
26. If your rear spoiler is taller then you are.
27. You have more stereo WATTS than engine TORQUE!
28. If your tailpipe extension is the most expensive mod you’ve done to your engine
yet.
29. Your tailpipe extension fell off during a quarter mile race and you went three
tenths of a second faster due to weight savings.
30. You spent $5,000 on the engine and you can not out run a stock Camaro, Firebird,
or Mustang
31. You want the 'wastegate' sound, but don't want to install a turbocharger system.
32. You think Nitrous Oxide on your Hyundai Sonata puts you in the same performance
league as the Chevy Corvette.
33. If the 1970 Plymouth Daytona Superbird has a smaller spoiler than your car does.
34. You think the Del Sol is a sports car...
35. You think a deep farty noise = the sound of high performance
36. If you think that horsepower is far more important than torque
37. If you have ever claimed that switching to a cone filter has given you more than
5 HP.
38. If you have ever considered installing more than one set of fog / driving lights.
39. If you claim that the aftermarket cold air intake system you just installed doubled
your horsepower or took 2 or more seconds off of your E/T.
40. Your baseball cap is always on backwards when you drive.
41. You spent all night on the Internet trying to find a company that makes a turbocharger
system for your Hyundai...
42. MOMO is 'absolutely required' to go fast.
43. The color of your interior upholstery hurts the cones and rods in other people's
eyes.
44. If you cannot drive your car in snow as the ground effects create a plow effect.
45. If you have installed driving lights to compensate for headlight blackouts /
tape.
46. If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are impressive for a
modified engine.
47. If you have stickers on your car for parts that you could not point out if asked
where those parts are installed.
48. You think pushrods are a bad thing
49. Your car has more decals than you do the quarter in seconds.
50. You lean your seat so far back when you are driving, that everytime you hit a
bump, its your back and not your butt that hurts.
51. You have hydraulics and sixteen switches on a car you claim runs low 10s on the
street and corners better than a Porsche.
52. If you can estimate that your car makes more than 250 HP without ever running
it at the track or getting a dyno reading.
53. You claim that you can get a titanium block for your engine.
54. If you have ever thought Hyundai and "performance" went hand
in hand
55. If you've ever gone to a parts shop or speed warehouse and asked for a 1"
to 6" exhaust adapter...
56. If you've removed more than 1/2 of the coils from your springs by cutting them
yourself ...
57. If you have more neon lights on your car than a strip club...
58. You claim that polishing your intake gave you 5hp.
59. You have neon INSIDE your car or in your ENGINE compartment
60. You ever claimed that high gas mileage made your car superior in performance
to V8s.
61. You think yellow plastic interior trim makes your car cool
62. If you install fake hi-po caliper / disc simulators
63. If you lower your car and add ground effects but retain the stock 14inch wheels
with disc style wheel covers
64. If you equate the sound of performance with the sound of a Weed Eater™
65. If you think bolting a fake muffler to one side to simulate dual exhaust is cool
66. If you think colored head lights work better
67. Clear tail lights and turn signals. They’re colored for a REASON!
68. If you take mom's 4 door Honda accord and do any kind of mod to it.
69. You claim you lost the race because you had a passenger in the car.
70. You claim how if you went from a roll you would have beat him.
71. You claim you lost because he must have been on the juice..
72. Flying past the person who is 10 car lengths in front of you after they have
put on their brakes.. and claim a victory.
73. after losing you flip your opponent off... rev your motor and fail to break the
wheels loose even around a corner.
74. you are a white kid driving an import.. wear baggy pants/hat turned around, walk
with a fake limp and end every sentence with "yew know wha I'm sayin?
Relate."
75. you take offense when I say.. "your sister is like your car.. small, tight
and hard to get into."
76. You have to park your car across the road from your house because theres a little
bump in ur driveway
77. You use your neibors driveway because yours is stone
And the Number One reason you might be a ricer if... (drum roll)... you use the expression
"nos" to describe Nitrous Oxide on your car.
|
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joke ]
You may be a racer if
...
1. You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
2. You take your helmet along when you go to a car dealership for a test-drive.
3. Every time you go to the grocery store you feel compelled to beat your previous
best time.
4. You think it's normal to have the outside edge of your tires worn down. If fact,
you prefer it because you have "better" traction now.
5. When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
6. When you hear 'overcooked it,' instead of food you think 'off the track.'
7. You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway
off-ramp.
8. You once had an argument with your wife over whether you should pay the mortgage
on time or get those new heads while they were on sale.
9. You push your cart through a proper line in the grocery store.
10. You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
11. You bought a tow vehicle instead of braces for your kid.
12. You and your wife go house hunting and you never actually get inside the house
because you're checking out the garage for 220v.
13. You sit in your car in the dark out in your garage and make car noises and shift
and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the
machine shop.
14. Your wife doesn't understand why you need three sets of tires for your car.
15. Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
16. You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
17. You're registered for wedding gifts at Edlebrock and Griggs.
18. Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and aluminum rack bushings
and your 'significant other' knows what these are.
19. Your home library consists of auto parts catalogs, books written by F1 drivers,
anything about Carroll Shelby, and 400 car magazines.
20. Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with
you.
21. You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the
line, causing your exit speed to drop.
22. A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?"
and they reply, "Corn."
23. You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
24. You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
25. You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
26. You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
27. You hate long distance driving vacations, but you will gladly drive 800 miles
to the race track.
28. You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
29. You save broken car parts as " mementos".
30. You've tried synthetic oil and racing gas in your lawn mower.
31. You've tweaked your riding lawn mower to improve its cornering ability.
32. Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
33. You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
34. White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.
35. You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute.
36. After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers:
"Why... is there a race there?"
37. You have race shops programmed on your speed dialer.
38. You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
39. You refer to the alley behind your house as the "return road".
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joke ]
You Might Have Too
Much Horsepower If....
1. You can't drive your car in the rain
2. Your significant other refuses to ride in the car
3. You are afraid to drive your car
4. You spend more money on tires than on food
5. You look in a highway patrol car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash
6. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you
7. You're tempted to wear your firesuit just to drive to the office
8. You remove the $2,000 stereo to save 6 lbs. of weight
9. You get pulled over for doing 155 mph, but the cops will let you off if they can
"look under the hood"
10. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge
11. Your face looks like you are riding in a NASA centrifuge when you let out the
clutch (YEAH! now that's what I'm talking about!!)
12. You pop the parachute on the way to get milk and bread
13. Fuel is delivered to your house -- in 55 gallon drums
14. You discover that outside mirrors and windshield trim can tear away at 145 mph
15. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
16. You spend more on car insurance than on your house payments.
17. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
18. You arrive somewhere before you left.
19. You carry earplugs in your car.
20. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6am.
21. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened.
22. And finally... your fuel pump flows enough to water the local golf
course
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Honda Wigger Clown Car
This is a true story. I swear Im not making any of this up. ....and
you may very well see the car and laugh your ass off as well.
So Im a car enthusiast, and part time auto mechjanic who helps the neighbors out
with thier cars. Hey, ive got a little knowledge, been doing this for a few years,
and Ive got a great set of tools. I have a rather fast and rare early 70s hobby car
that i take out on weekends, an oldsmobile 442.
So anyway. My neighbors kid turns 17, and the mother gives him her honda civic. Say
it out loud now with me. Honda civic.
Plastic and aluminum, 75 horsepower, basic commuter car, honda civic.
"perfect for a new driver, economical, easy to maintain and dependable a good
basic car for junior," i thought to myself.
The first week was fine, he bought spinning hubcaps and a set of dragon seat covers
for it. That should have been it. He should have left it alone.
The week after that, I walk out to my mailbox, and I almost called the cops. I thought
I had just seen a UFO. as it slowly approached.....i could see it was a HONDA CIVIC.....with
four different blinking colors of neon underneath it. Holy shit. I almost had a fucking
siezure looking at this thing. Even the shifter knob was blinking.
.....Then about 48 hours later, Im laying in bed, about ready to fuck my girlfriend
when I hear BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-owwww. BZZZZ-owww. over and over in the neighbors garage.
"Well this is an odd time of night for Mr. Richardson to be fucking around with
his chainsaw." I thought out loud. After forty five minutes of this irritating
buzzing, I thought Id go over and ask the neighbor to play with his chainsaw in the
morning. Here is the junior richardson boy, proudly revving his engine up and down.
4 more wannabe fake gangsta kids were standing around "tuning" his new
exhaust.....which consisted of a rather small header and 4 coffee cans spray painted
silver and the words "TYPE-R" stenciled on it.
Holy shit. I told him to pleae quit fucking with the car so I could sleep.
Wait, that is BY FAR not all.
The following week, he ask me if he can borrow a screwdriver and a hammer. He is
installing his new "type r" rear spoiler. He was rather proud of it. He
paid almost 600 dollars for it. I asked him where he was going to put it, since a
honda civic does not have a trunk. "The roof, dawg" is what he told me.
This spoiuler looks like an aluminum picnic table that you would see in a public
park, except for lots of rivets in it and the words "Type R" all over it.
I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see how retarded it would look. I gleefully
helped him install it. Yup, totally retarded. Classic. He went on to explain to me
that he needed it for all of the downforce he needed to maintain traction at supersonic
speeds. 4 cylinders. 75 horsepower. Downforce. Oh my god, what a retard.
It gets better.
2 weeks later, he is asking to borrow my cordless drill. He just bought a body kit,
yo, and heeds to be down fo' shizzle wit da tool dawg to istall it, no wut hes sane,
dawg? Body kit. Pay attention. It gets good here. So he drills all of the holes,
double sided tape and screws this motherfucker to his car, and it REALLY is beginning
to look like a space ship. or a an alien life form. Or a circus car. Well, circus,
not yet. Thats coming. heres the problem. The body kit is white. The car is dark
green. It looks like a burrito vomit.....and the car is a full 4 inches wider, and
2 inches lower than it was before. He cant get the doors to open or close properly,
because the "body kit, yo" is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful
one, I give him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this 'tard grind on his
new 1200 dollar yo yo word up body kit. word. It was the flyest, dawg.
Circus act part 1.
Now, he decides he wants to "Lower the ride, dog." I wouldnt let him use
my tools, as I was afraid this dumb fuck would blow himself up with what he wanted
to do next. He would cut the coils. dangerous. Unsafe. Stupid.
He succeeded in cutting the coils, but now his new body kit dawg was dragging on
the ground. and, to top it all off, the car was bouncing up and down like a carnival
ride, effectively ending his neon lighted glory. His type r exhaust was dragging
on the ground as well.
You should see how retarded this fucker looks. A huge picnic table on the roof, 2
tone body kit, special kid tailights. blinking, broken neon, stickers all over it,
buzzing like a chainsaw on crack, bouncing up and down like a clown car.
Wait, thats not all. now hondtard wants a "syssem, yo." Oh yeah. He pieced
together 6 different trashed car stereos, one home streo, and a kraagen auto parts
special base speaker, and somehow wired the neon lights (whats left of them) to blink
with the beat of the music. ....Except you cant hear the music. You can only hear
the bass. ...And it rattles his rooftop spoiler and license plate frame.
Now its REALLY looking AND SOUNDING like a clown car.
Okay. Now for hondtards carbon fiber paint job. He puts a hood scoop from an early
60s mustang on it, and its EMORMOUS. It kind of balanced out the retardeness of the
rear spoiler/picnic table. Then out comes the spray cans. All 18 of them. First,
he pulled off his spinning hubcaps, and painted the wheels BLACK. Flat black. Then
he painted the body kit dawg bright, neon yellow. The rest of the car was painted
bright red, with a purple fist turning into a dragon or some shit airbrushed on the
doors.
Clown car complete? Not yet.
As I stated previously, I have experience with fast cars. He knows that I can make
a car go fast. He comes over with a copy of "honda tuuner guy" magazine,
filled with equally retarded looking cars. He asks me: "Yo dawg, i wanna make
dis here b18 goes fast and shit. I was thinkin of an acura V-tec swap or some NOSS"
So i asked him, what exactly do you intend to do with this car? Will you be entering
it in the most retarded car contest, or what? He says: "Naaw, cracka. That shit
is be is funny and shit, but I is for reals, for reals. I need to be running in the
12s and making 350 horsepower" So I asked him: Why dont you save your money
and buy a car that already makes 350 horsepower, like a camaro or a GTO or something,
instead of trying to make a car with 75 horsepower, that was never intended to go
that fast any faster?
"dont be a foo, yo. Everybody knows dat ode skoo shit cant hang" he tells
me. Now Im pissed. Insulted. I said: Lookit here, junior, i'll pull my olds cutlass
out of the garage and make your shit look like it was going backwards. No noss, no
turbo, no stickers and no body kit is gonna help you beat the "ODE SKOO"
cars, DAWG. And the same goes for any of your other retard car driving friends. Ill
have you and your homies wetting your pants with fear before we ever hit second gear.
You have 6 grand worth of shit bolted onto a 1000 dollar car that was perfectly good
when you got it, and now it looks, sounds and drives like ass. Get the fuck out of
my garage. He looked like he was gonna cry. He left with a solid "Fuck you dawg,
ill beat your old man car with a 150 shot" and he left, trying to pull up his
drawers and give me the finger at the same time.
Showdown.
Now I am a responsible adult, and I do not condonne street rascing. However, when
faced with a direct insult, challenge, and fuck you, amy man tends to be defensive
enough to take a few risks.
Beautiful sunny day. First day Ive had my car out of the garage all winter. I check
the fluids. I start the engine. I anticipate a crisp, lively jaunt at mind-bending
speeds up the interstate. I rev my engine, i sip my coffee.
Hondtard heard me revving my engine, and him and 2 of his friends do the same in
the driveway. One is a New acura in the pre-clown car stages of molestation, and
the other one is junior's moms civic. It sounds like a lawn mower race at the richardsons
house. I crank my engine up to 3000 RPM and drown them out.
I climb in my car, check the guages, and idle out into the road.
I look in my rearview, and Im being followed by two bouncing, brightly colored bumping
clown cars with backward hat retards pointing in my direction.
I ignore them. Not worth my trouble. Im an adult.
Acuretard and hondtard pass me when I hit the 680 on the left and the right. Bzzzzzzzz.
Gone. Good. I am halfway to livermore when they blast out of the on ramp and attempt
to box me in. acuratard is revving his engine and pointing forward , hondtard is
slowing me down in front of me.
Fuck it. Ive had enough.
I stuffed it down into third gear, opened all 455 cubic inches wide open, almost
rear-ended hondtard and swerved directly at acuratard. I broke the rear tires loose
at 70 miles an hour, and acuratard was busy downshifting trying to get enough speed
up to catch me.
I dusted these little cocksuckers so bad they simply dissappeared. I got off on the
livermore exit and waited for them on the on ramp. Some of thier own game. Right
back atcha homie.
I let them see me. Then I smoked the tires brutally and violently out of the ramp
so that they would know I was pissed and coming for them.
I knew the honda was slow, so i ignored him and brought it down right on the acuras
bumper. I got within an inch of this terrified teenagers ass and popped on the high
beams and gunned the motor. I mashed the gas i n third and was threatening to bump
him. 90, 100, 110.... he couldnt get away from me. he waved for me to pass. hondtard
was WAAAAY in the back. The acura fag was scared, and beaten and he knew it. I pulled
alongside.
I motioned for him to roll down his window. I screamed and pointed. He backed way
off.
I stuck my finger in the air and screamed fuck you at acura tard, and dumped it,
quickly accelerating to 130 MPH until they couldnt see my tailights any more.
Later that evening, as I told my fiancee this story ("your a juvenile asshole,
you could have killed those kids and you are going to piss off the neighbors")
I heard two chainsaws idle up very slowly to my house. Holy shit. Its a drive by.
These fuckers want to kill me. A knock on the door. I answer it, ready to beat some
fake gangsta ass if I have to.
They want to see my car now. "Do you have noss?, is it a hemi?"
fags. get lost.
Clown car is still on the road, but now homie g wants to learn all about the "ode
skoo"
If you see this car, put a sticker on it. He seems to like them, and thinks they
make the car cooler. Then dust his ass once for good measure.
You simply have to see this kids car to believe it. If your car looks retarded and
its fast, cool. Then you can look a little fucking special and get away with it.
But this thing looks like it was dropped off at the special education shop class
and built by retards, and it s not even quick.
In honor of dale "pimpdaddyhustla" richardson, class of 2006 and his clown
car, I dedicate this to you. Let me take you for a ride once you feel you are man
enough. I see you stepped up to the plate and lost big time. Im willing to help you
install the noss and the v-tecs and let you try again.
Administrator's note:
Now that you read these jokes including this totally made up story submitted by someone
OTHER THAN A MEMBER OF OUR CLUB, remember that the humor is in the writing and the
Garage Club is NOT bashing imports. Hell, we own some. I don't want to hear how freakin'
fast your import is, I don't wanna hear how slow muscle cars are. It's a freakin
joke! I thought it was funny and put it up. Instead of sending a nasty email, write
one and send it in.
There are some out there that just can't take a joke. If you really want to show
any of us up, come to Beaver Springs sometime and go ahead. We'll race even if we
know we'll lose. It's about having fun and not a pissing contest. You may win, but
we'll know that we got under your skin enough for you to bring a cool car out to
meet us...
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Microsoft should make cars, GM should make software:
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that
got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the
following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have
to buy a new car.
- Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine.
- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.
- The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.
- The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
- GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them
nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
- Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.
- You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
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The Dumb Mechanic
When I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. I went to the service department and
found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched
from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that
it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side.'
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Drunk Driver
A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard
rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops,
wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed
driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What
the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"
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You know you're from Pennsylvania when:
- You think the roads in any other state are smooth.
- Hearing horses clopping down a paved street doesn't bring you
to the window to see what's going on outside.
- You can stop along the road to buy fruits, vegetables, or crafts
on the "honor system."
- You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know
the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.
- When it snows they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.
- You can give directions to Intercourse with a straight face.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
- You know the four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter,
and Construction.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor
on the highway.
- You measure distance in minutes.
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Worlds Fastest Moped:
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand
new Ferrari Enzo. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him
$660,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks
over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari Enzo. It costs over a half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude
proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but
I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his
car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips
by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks
himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up
ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes
the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining
on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped
bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The
young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to
the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, " Yea Unhook...my suspenders from
your side-view mirror.
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Stop or Slow Down?:
A lawyer from New York City runs a stop sign and gets pulled over
by a NC State Trooper. Being from New York, he thinks that he is smarter than the
NC Trooper because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove
this to himself and have some fun at the Trooper's expense...
Trooper says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says "What for?"
Trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Trooper says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration,
please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Trooper says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's
the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop,
I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you'll
let me go and no ticket."
The Trooper says, "All right then Sir, exit your vehicle please."
At this point, the Trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating the heck out
of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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Blonde's Flat Tire:
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day; so she
eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and
opens the trunk. The sakes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at
the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The life size cardboard men are
in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long
before a police car arrives The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blond of
the disabled vehicle, yelling,"What is going on here?"
"My car broke down Officer", says the woman calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllloooooo!" says the blonde, "Those are my emergency flashers.
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God vs. the Harley Davidson:
Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates,
St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized
Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson
motorcycle?'
Arthur said, 'Yep, that's me.
God said, 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, 'Excuse me, but aren't You
the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws
in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!'
'Hmmm, you have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to His
Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer
printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according
to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'
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